its been ultra long time since I've blogged.
Sorry, dear readers ! I've been rather disappointing for leaving this space empty.
I checked my dashboard and realised my readers are still visiting this space !
I stopped blogging due to certain reasons previously, and I'm picking up way too much stuff in life to handle.
As you all know I'm kind of jack of all trades, trying to cope my life with all sorts of things, and juggling many things in life.
This space was meant for me to feel more at ease by writing out my feelings like a journal. Since young, I've always had a habit for keeping a diary. Always reflecting about my day and thinking how each day is an enriching learning experience in life.
and i've realise the importance of people knowing my inner thoughts. I realised that people who actually care would be those who actually asks you how was your day and try to find out what was your day like even if you didn't want to talk about it.
Im sorry you've got to understand me better by reading those long chunks of heavy text which I'm writing.
So much so after reflection, i realise i needed this space back badly to actually clarify with people whom which tried to engage conversations with me, but all i did was cooping myself in one corner. Isolating myself...
Sorry, i aint being arrogant, nor rude for not replying. Life this year was tough and it was indeed a test in life for me based on my self-improvisation and cultivation. It's challenging in a way in which i often fight with my own thoughts, struggling to walk out of the dimension in my mind, that maze which i trapped myself in...
Its really tough and there were times i wanted to give up, thanks to my friends and family who keep reminded me of the real me who never gives up, and keep holding me together, embracing me with hope and positive vibes.
I was never confident enough to speak up my thoughts because i don't like expressing myself verbally , neither do i like bragging about my achievements nor the sacrifices I've made just to make sure everything goes smoothly as planned. I would just be satisfied as long it turns out to be outcomes I've planned it to be, and i realised not many people understood this, they rather you talked about what you've done and what was done.
I mean i rather you feel it from the heart instead of me trying to tell you or bragged about what i did etc... if i talked about it, i would feel so insincere, won't you too? and if i bragged about it, won't you feel i was just putting up a show to make sure things are perfect? and if i talked about it, don't you feel like its so FAKE?
i want people to feel the real me instead of judging me for who i am!
and yea I'm particularly unhappy cause people don't appreciate the way we are.
I guess i will never find anyone who understand the way we did things...
people who thinks being an INTJ is a weirdo and an introvert who never likes to talk nor expresses themselves.
we just wanted to do things without being acknowledge because we did nice things not to be praised but its because we just like helping people and we just like to make sure things goes well ...
and all we want is to put a smile on someone's face and thats enough to make us happy knowing that our help has make someone's else day better !
much pondering and much reflection again and again we went into the same cycle, because of being indecisive and yes i was misled with the negative thoughts which intruded my mind.
Honestly, i could understand why you've got to push me away cause you wanted to test my independency. And yes, i wouldn't deny that starting to rely on people whom one trust most, isn't about not being independent!
however to much disappointment, people thinks that you've lost your independence when you start to rely on them. and the real reason to that is just about really trusting them because you regard them as your closest ones! so it appears to them that you aren't independent anymore! but thats not the case...
Ive tried my best to overcome days in which i know i hate to open myself to the crowd,
days in which i think it would be best alone.
Its cold these few days, and I'm having super duper cramps ! ): that i barely got out of bed and move.
I couldn't sleep tonight, its a cold night with countless thoughts all over my mind.
The confessions of being an INTJ, a thinker whom thinks non-stop and keep on trying to do self reflection on how oneself can become perfect which makes things hard for oneself cause we all know we can never be perfect no matter how hard we try, the more challenges thrown in our faces we analyse the different possibilities and scenarios we could possibly react to , just so to make sure that circumstances turned out would be perfect in which it would be never something we would regret for and things would be what we imagined as perfect as it would be like.
However i realised as many times as we wanted things to turn out the way we wanted it to be.
Many times things would turn out nasty and we can't accept the truth...
and yet we kept blaming ourselves over and over again for not being perfect, for not controlling how things could turn out to be perfect...
and so i started to hate myself for being me.
I'm someone who hardly loses anything, cause i treasure everything, and I'm super detailed about every single thing..
Im upset because today i've lost something.
but to many others, they think we could buy it back again,
but sometimes its really hard to get it back again when its GONE
and when its really GONE, its too late...
so pls treasure before you regret...