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Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Hi ! its been long.

Hi blog,

its been ultra long time since I've blogged.

Sorry, dear readers ! I've been rather disappointing for leaving this space empty.

I checked my dashboard and realised my readers are still visiting this space !

I stopped blogging due to certain reasons previously, and I'm picking up way too much stuff in life to handle.

As you all know I'm kind of jack of all trades, trying to cope my life with all sorts of things, and juggling many things in life.

This space was meant for me to feel more at ease by writing out my feelings like a journal. Since young, I've always had a habit for keeping a diary. Always reflecting about my day and thinking how each day is an enriching learning experience in life.

and i've realise the importance of people knowing my inner thoughts. I realised that people who actually care would be those who actually asks you how was your day and try to find out what was your day like even if you didn't want to talk about it.

Im sorry you've got to understand me better by reading those long chunks of heavy text  which I'm writing.

So much so after reflection, i realise i needed this space back badly to actually clarify with people whom which tried to engage conversations with me, but all i did was cooping myself in one corner. Isolating myself...

Sorry, i aint being arrogant, nor rude for not replying. Life this year was tough and it was indeed a test in life for me based on my self-improvisation and cultivation. It's challenging in a way in which i often fight with my own thoughts, struggling to walk out of the dimension in my mind, that maze which i trapped myself in...

Its really tough and there were times i wanted to give up, thanks to my friends and family who keep reminded me of the real me who never gives up, and keep holding me together, embracing me with hope and positive vibes.



I was never confident enough to speak up my thoughts because i don't like expressing myself verbally , neither do i like bragging about my achievements nor the sacrifices I've made just to make sure everything goes smoothly as planned. I would just be satisfied as long it turns out to be outcomes I've planned it to be,  and i realised not many people understood this, they rather you talked about what you've done and what was done.

I mean i rather you feel it from the heart instead of me trying to tell you or bragged about what i did etc... if i talked about it, i would feel so insincere,  won't you too? and if i bragged about it, won't you feel i was just putting up a show to make sure things are perfect? and if i talked about it, don't you feel like its so FAKE? 

i want people to feel the real me instead of judging me for who i am!

and yea I'm particularly unhappy cause people don't appreciate the way we are.

I guess i will never find anyone who understand the way we did things...

people who thinks being an INTJ is a weirdo and an introvert who never likes to talk nor expresses themselves.

we just wanted to do things without being acknowledge because we did nice things not to be praised but its because we just like helping people and we just like to make sure things goes well ...

and all we want is to put a smile on someone's face and thats enough to make us happy knowing that our help has make someone's else day better !


much pondering and much reflection again and again we went into the same cycle, because of being indecisive and yes i was misled with the negative thoughts which intruded my mind.

Honestly, i could understand why you've got to push me away cause you wanted to test my independency. And yes, i wouldn't deny that starting to rely on people whom one trust most, isn't about not being independent!

however to much disappointment, people thinks that you've lost your independence when you start to rely on them. and the real reason to that is just about really trusting them because you regard them as your closest ones! so it appears to them that you aren't independent anymore! but thats not the case...


Ive tried my best to overcome days in which i know i hate to open myself to the crowd,
days in which i think it would be best alone.



Its cold these few days, and I'm having super duper cramps ! ): that i barely got out of bed and move.


I couldn't sleep tonight, its a cold night with countless thoughts all over my mind.

The confessions of being an INTJ, a thinker whom thinks non-stop and keep on trying to do self reflection on how oneself can become perfect which makes things hard for oneself cause we all know we can never be perfect no matter how hard we try, the more challenges thrown in our faces we analyse the different possibilities and scenarios we could possibly react to , just so to make sure that circumstances turned out would be perfect in which it would be never something we would regret for and things would be what we imagined as perfect as it would be like.


However i realised as many times as we wanted things to turn out the way we wanted it to be.

Many times things would turn out nasty and we can't accept the truth...

and yet we kept blaming ourselves over and over again for not being perfect, for not controlling how things could turn out to be perfect...

and so i started to hate myself for being me.


I'm someone who hardly loses anything, cause i treasure everything, and I'm super detailed about every single thing..

Im upset because today i've lost something.

but to many others, they think we could buy it back again,

but sometimes its really hard to get it back again when its GONE

and when its really GONE, its too late...


so pls treasure before you regret...




Sunday, 3 January 2016

Dear blog,

happy new year 2016!

But I had a bad dream,
My granny's last breathe, and i held her in my arms crying so badly.
I do not know what to do.
I know its new year and i shouldnt have such thoughts ruining my start of the year.
My dream always come true and i'd never want it to.
Im sad but ive no one to confide in.
I always run away from all this negatives and make myself busy and mind occupied.

Im scared, im trembling, i doubt anyone will ever understand

):

im sad, i hope she's gonna be alright.
i know she cant be with us forever.
But i know and i hate myself for being too sentimental.
its me its me i gotta start learning how to let go.
it saddened me deeply to know that she's so weak now, compared to the past year.
start treasuring everyone around you, cause anytime anyone can go,
Anytime or even the next minute, its fated and uncontrollable.

I can only tell myself i gotta be strong, even though i think i cant do it. but i really need to overcome

love,
granddaughter

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Halloween 2015❤️

Been a hectic week and thank you for my girls who are so impromptu to cele this occasion with me. Actually it was supposingly my last dance class, however, due to too tight timeline, and  work ended so late. we skipped class cause it was awkward reaching class late. Well not the late 15 mins kind but the super duper late kind. So sad ):

Thank you for being an awesome teacher A , and all your sessions was superb! Ahh wanted to thank you in person but doubt there's gonna be any chances in future, unless we are gonna renew the lessons again! Perhaps hopefully when schedule is less tight.

Sadly ! ): won't get to see you and my fitness dance mates again! Thank you once again! Hopefully u will see this haha but doubt so. 


Okay and so last min shopping begins!

So I'm a sweet tooth girl and I cannot miss this. My babe always know what I like! And she got me this as an apology to make me wait super long hehe. And then I'm contented already , you can say I'm silly but small lil stuff really touches my heart :)



And after this we started our shopping?
We're hugging Buddha legs last min. I know in mind I wouldn't get anything at all and yes after all I didn't manage to find any army cap and poor thing I don't have good friends who are guys who I can ask to borrow from ~_~

Lol trying to match? no ~~~

Find this pony rather cute~ 
Always see on tv! They smash that pony on bday and many presents drop out. LOL
Perhaps I shall do it on  this year's bday! Kinda clueless and no plans for now yet! Prolly gonna spent it nowhere ):

All sorts of ribbons! I'm a super arty crafty person so when I saw this. My mind goes haywire with all sorts of ideas!! Hahaha


And finally I was super happy when I saw this but guess what it's a whole set! 


And so I didn't get it ): my trip here was wasted!

So we bid farewell and went home on our ways, and meet again at night ! This girl was waiting for me at Starbucks cause my cab was ridiculously stuck in traffic jam! Cause of human jam. The crowd.  Hate it cause my cab fare was triple more ex than usual! Crap. Okay perhaps it's alright cause it's been a super friggin long time since I head out at night to chill. Finally when I met her. Pretty? Hahaha she make up specially for me ❤️



Then we proceed to walk over, when I see this I almost fainted. I hate crowds I can hardly breathe ...
 Super happening aye?

After I saw the crowd I felt like heading home! It was ridiculously packed. I should admit I'm old that i don't like to be involved in such scenes. I rather lie on my couch and chill. Haha! But decided to make my cab fare more worth we got to stay for the night. And also not to disappoint my other pretty girls who are already there waiting for me! Super sorry for being super late! So sorry I kept complaining about the human jam too!

Finally met them after squeezing here and there with so much effort ):
Meow my cat woman


Some drunkard person helped us to take a blurry shot! Hahaha it was redundant for his help after realizing this quality! But thank you anyway! Lol


It was great all in all with meeting up all the great friends<3 .

But my day ended so shit cause of waiting for 2 hours cab that doesn't want to send me home.



Thank you V for organizing this party! 



And so my legs are breaking! And I decided to walk.

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

reach out to the stars

Hello world,

decided to come here to do some reflection yet again! its prolly the only space whereby i can rant freely and execute my thoughts without any barriers.

this morning i aint feeling well, dizzy spells and i could feel the numbness in my brains.
It lasted for more than 10 mins and i was quite stunned to that prior to the first time feeling that way.

=/ perhaps lately ive been investing much time trying hard in balancing everything else.
calculating my stress and to-do list accumulated this mountain high should be factored in.

I've realised that i'd blend more with people who relates to feelings instead of people who are much more self-centered. Thus maybe its a plus point which adds in favor to understand myself better.

Sometimes I wonder exactly whether im in the wrong to always blame myself for nothing, and think of reasons im wrong in, in every situation, however i cant stop being the kind who like improvisations and im aiming to be a better me.

In some ways, i'd think im walking down the wrong route or realised that im not moving forward or staying stagnant, following the same routine through and thus i'd feel bad being that way, someone please tell me they are facing exact situation and we are of the same kind, cause ive yet to find anyone similiar.

And so, im sick of finding people trying to match my kind, because the more i find, the more i realised im different and the more i felt im weirdo. and i just cant find. oh well.


Tell me if its an issue of growing old.

Sometimes i yearn to feel young again, i wna return back to secondary school days whereby we have a carefree life, thinking about who to befriend and whats after school activities aftermath. and thats all the troubles we have! thou during those times, my schedule is all fully packed as well. 

Till then, I hope im in the correct path and someday i'd meet another who mirrors me.

well, im quite a scheduled person, so i'd stick to it and i'd always make sure to follow through. 
It gives me the kind of satisfaction whereby i'd be able to complete things efficiently and plans are followed accordingly. I seemingly dont like it to be disrupted and thus there might be people labeling me as not easy-going. Sometimes i ponder if its a bad point and i should start to alter my ways.

However i'd sometimes feel that i need to make myself feel better, cause no one else can make myself happier except myself. so perhaps i dont really need to blame myself for this. cause it got me kinda upset and depressed as it made me lifeless and i dont really have much friends as it seems due to my hectic schedule.

As i believe,
' People who respect your schedule are people who respect your time.
people who respect your time will make time for you.
& the older people gets, the lifestyle gets different for everyone else,
its harder to make time for everyone. So if they'd understand they are meant to be
in your circle of life, because they UNDERSTAND you.
and forgive even if they dont, at least they tried to.'

and prolly i should really start feeling okay...